How am I?

Ella has been doing well. She finally broke the 7 pounds 10 ounce mark! She has been not gaining or losing weight for a while, and last night I was told she gained 1 ounce! This was a big deal, at least to me!! She has been recovering nicely from surgery. In fact, she has nothing left other than her bandages from the incision and the drain. They were going to remove the stitch that sealed the little incision for the drain this morning. All she has left is to eat. This is actually not going as well as I would like it to. She will get it, I am just inpatient. We are going to give her some time to work on it, but her mommy is a bit impatient and would like her to get it...yesterday! This leads me into the question...How am I doing. I have had so many WONDERFUL people ask me this and I always respond with "ok."Truth be told, I am OK. I am WAY better than I was. I still get very emotional when I talk about Ella. If I am at home and having a hard day, I just do not leave the house. I try to avoid situations that might put me into a position to repeat myself over and over about Ella. Not that I don't want to tell people how she is doing, but because I start to lose my "I got this, I am great!" front. I cannot afford to fall apart. If I fall apart, it takes to much time to get back together. I have grieved the loss of a normal birth and coming home experience.  SO...I am just ok. I am not depressed about the situation and I am obviously not thrilled about it either. I need to do what I need to do and that is to take care of my family. I cry when I need to and laugh when I need to. I spend a lot of time praying and that certainly helps.
I have come to have a love hate relationship with Mondays and Fridays. I come home on the weekends to be with the boys. This means that I have to tell Ella good bye and see you later on Fridays. I hate that this is now part of my routine but I cannot hardly get home fast enough to be with the boys. Then comes Mondays and I have to do the same thing but only this time I am leaving the boys to get to Ella. I have had to come to terms with this just being our life for the moment. There are parts that I have not come to terms with and that is were I struggle. I feel like I am missing out on so much with the boys. They have had field trips, parties, and Halloween activities that I have missed out on.  I know that there will be more, but they are also only 4 and 6 one time. Wyatt and I have discovered the divide and conquer method is what is best for us. He has done a fantastic job taking care of the boys by himself, but I hate that he is having to be by himself and I am missing so much. I have a hard time knowing that while he is at home with the boys, I am by myself with Ella. I have to take on all the information by myself, process it then pass it along.  He has really trusted me with her health care. This is not by choice for either of us, but Wyatt really needs to be at home with our boys. Wyatt really is an amazing dad!  Of course he is here when he can be, and he was certainly with us for the toughest part of all, the surgery. It does make me very sad for him that he is not there for those great moments and I am. I try very hard to get the videos and pictures of Ella showing off her smile or wearing a sassy headband, but it is still not the same. I know that he will get many smiles on his own, but I know that we both wish he could be with Ella.
This truly is a roller coaster ride that just does not seem to end. We are getting closer to being together as a family, and a much tighter one we will be. There has been a lot of tears, maybe a panic attack or two (on my part) and some joyous moments. At the end of this, we will get to bring home a healthier baby girl. She is what gets us through. If Ella can get through everything that she has had to endure, than so can Wyatt and I .
SO, hopefully I have answered the question, "how are you?" Well, I am ok, we are all going to be ok!